This is a letter on which one of my books is based upon. However, the book was never finished, because I couldn’t come up with a good ending. What do you think? Did my head character, who wrote this, ever get to be with the man she wrote it to?
I have tried to write this letter at least a hundred times by now, and I begin to fear that I will never succeed in finishing it. Words seem useless when it comes to express the way I feel about you. No matter what I write, it is never enough. What I feel is beyond words.
To me, love seemed so silly and childish. I thought it was a feeling like any other, a pleasant warmth inside of one’s chest. You taught me that love is so much more than that. You have shown me a new side of love, of life even, which was earlier unfamiliar to me. I always thought that what I felt for Christian was love. I realise now that it was not. Until I met you I never understood, that what I really felt for him was simply the affection that comes with safety and the comforting knowledge of having someone to rely on.
My love for you is so very different. Yet, no matter how great my love for you might be—no matter how much my bewitched body and intoxicated soul suffer when we are apart—I cannot deny the fact that there is still a part of me which loves Christian. Even though my love for him is of a different kind, it still breaks my heart to think of what pain I will cause him by letting him know about my feelings for you. How can I explain without hurting him so tremendously? I have already seen how my recently frigid behaviour has wounded him. He is not the sort of person who forgives easily. I fear that he will hate me forever if I leave, that I will never be forgiven. I know that my cowardice surely will strike back at me one day, but it does not change the fact that I’m too faint-hearted to leave Christian. I do not ask of you to understand this—how could you?—even I hardly can. All I ask is that you accept it. I have no right to ask you to overlook my weakness; still, I wish you would. Forgive me. Please, try to forgive me for not being as brave and decisive as you. I’m plain, of that I’m painfully aware, but it is in my nature. I beg you not to be crossed with me because of my character—it is nothing I can help.
I feel so lost. I’m torn between affections and reason. My heart tells me not to let you go, but my head tells me I have to. This distress has made me shed many tears. I have come to realise that you deserve far better than anything I can possibly offer. It was not easy to accept this insight; nonetheless, it cannot be ignored. My final decision has therefore been made. We can no longer see each other. You, as well, must acknowledge this. It is my wish, that we from this day on must be strangers to one another. This letter shall be the only proof of that we were ever in love.
Human beings have always had a tendency of longing for what they cannot have. It is the way of the world. And so, we must learn to live with the loss of what we desire the most.
